1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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