i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize