your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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