I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
