remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
