At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize