We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize