Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
