I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize