I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
