just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
