I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
