she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
