so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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