remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
