Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I forget how to act sober
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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