I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
