what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
