Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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