I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
