I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
