i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
