I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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