It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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