I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
