so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize