Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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