So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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