im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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