I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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