discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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