Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
