Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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