Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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