It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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