So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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