12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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