WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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