you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
