how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
