Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
