Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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