I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
