yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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