I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
