She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
