we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
