Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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