You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
