I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
