I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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