i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
