At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we made out on top of his cat.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
