I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize