I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
