There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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