Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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