i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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