Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
