the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
