im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
